Grey
by Tanglepelt
Summary: Good and evil are not black and white; shades of grey exist. During and after times of war, most Nations prefer to ignore this, instead letting hate cloud their vision. Germany knows this well. -Post WWII- -Genderbent universe-


**Hello~ It's been awhile since I've written anything for the Hetalia fandom, but I'm back! **

**This story is quite different than any of my other ones (the Baltics are not the central characters, for once XDD), especially since all the characters are genderbent in this. I chose to use a genderswapped world because I thought this story was better suited for female characters. *PLEASE READ THE A/N AFTER THE CHAPTER FOR HISTORICAL NOTES AND OTHER INFO***

**The inspiration for this came from a classmate's speech on the book **_**A Woman in Berlin **_**in my 20****th**** Century Europe class. It tells the story of an anonymous woman's life in Berlin after the Soviets occupy it in the aftermath of WWII. I have not read the book, so I researched more about this time period before writing this.**

**I have included some human names in this. A lot of them are the mainstream, fanon names for the genderbent characters, but some of them are the lesser-used ones, just because I prefer them. ^^'**

**Monika Beilschmidt: fem!Germany**

**Feliciana Vargas: fem!Italy**

**Chiara Vargas: fem!Romano**

**Sakura Honda: fem!Japan**

**Julchen Beilschmidt: fem!Prussia **

**Anya Braginskaya: fem!Russia**

**Viktorija 'Tori' Lorinaitė: fem!Lithuania **

**Milda Galante: fem!Latvia**

**Esti von Bock: fem!Estonia**

**Chun-Yan Wang: fem!China**

**Felka Łukasiewicz: fem!Poland**

**Margaret Kirkland: fem!England (For some reason, I don't like the name 'Alice' for her, so I'm using the less-common fan-name 'Margaret'. Plus, it is an unintentional reference to another Englishwoman whose name was Margaret…XDD) **

**Amelia Jones: fem!America**

**Francoise Bonnefoy: fem!France**

**Madeleine Williams: fem!Canada**

**This is my first time focusing on Germany as the main character, so hopefully, I do not butcher this too much…**

**The first part of this story takes place in Berlin in 1945, during the Soviet occupation of the city.**

***Hetalia belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya***

* * *

**Grey**

Though Germany had fallen, Monika Beilschmidt had not, nor had she ever. Before the Allies had won, before her precious capital, her _heart_, had been occupied by the Soviets, she had dealt with the pain of losing her people to the concentration camps or the brainwashing of the Nazis. She felt like she was being torn apart with each new death, and she wanted to curse her leader, well, former leader, but at the time, she could not. It was the unwritten rule of being a Nation; their leaders controlled their country. Some, such as herself, tried to keep their humanity when totalitarian and/or ambitious leaders came to power, while others, such as a certain lavender-eyed superpower and surprisingly, the Asian Axis power, gave in to the hunger for power and charismatic words of their superiors. Whether it was because said Nations were too weak to resist or deep down, they craved the power, Monika did not know. While she knew Russia would tread this path, she was not expecting Japan, her friend, her ally, to do the same.

Snapping herself back to reality, Monika narrowed her eyes and surveyed her ruined city. Her heart throbbed as she glanced at buildings destroyed by Soviet air-raids, ruining the once-beautiful scenery. Holding her head high, she proceeded to patrol the streets, looking for anyone who needed her help. She knew that homes and stores had been looted, and that food was scarce. During the previous week, she gave five women some of the food she hid in her basement and hid a few from the soldiers. Trying to keep her mind off of the pile of rubble that was Berlin, she stared intently at her boots, focusing on the 'clacks' they made against the street. Soon, her mind began to wander once more. Faces appeared in her thoughts, the horrified faces of her former friends. At a world meeting, just after Poland was invaded, everyone stared at her like she was a monster, some abomination that had to be destroyed before it killed others. Felka Łukasiewicz, Poland's personification, was not present at the time, but France, England, America, and countless others were. America kept blathering on and on about being the heroine, which was to be expected, but the outraged shouting of England and France shocked her, especially since they did nothing to stop the invasion. No one understood that she didn't want to invade Poland; in fact, it was quite the opposite. Hitler required her to be present for this particular invasion, so she watched with a heavy heart as Felka tried her best to defend her people and her land. She couldn't get the nightmarish images of the determined Nation being brutally beaten and shot before being dragged away out of her head. She thanked whatever higher power was watching her that she wasn't forced to shoot her herself.

A rustling noise behind her snapped her out of her thoughts. She whirled around to see two men staring at her. She glanced at their uniforms and narrowed her eyes. _Soviets. _Her theory was confirmed when they began speaking in rapid Russian, though it was not directed at her. The more they spoke, the more they leered at her, and she suddenly knew that she was in a bad situation. Monika heard the stories of random women being taken by soldiers and being… _No. _She shook her head. _I am Germany. I will not fall. _Taking a step back, she took a good look at her tagalongs. Both were taller and more muscular than she was, but she knew she was faster and more agile. Despite being a woman, she was trained as a soldier as well, and was damn good at the physical exercises.

Not wanting to give away the fact that she wasn't weak, she kept walking, discreetly glancing at the men, who continued to follow her, from time to time. Her goal was to get to a populated area, but unfortunately, she wasn't able to make it that far. Before she could blink, one of the men pinned her arms behind her back, while the other punched her in the stomach. Instinctively, she used all of her skills to fight back. She was doing pretty well until a forceful blow to the head disoriented her. Her vision swam, and her eyes watered. Blinking, she tried to get back up, but she was instead yanked to her feet by the taller of the men and dragged behind one of the bombed buildings. Knowing fully well that she could not escape, Monika spat at her captor and cursed at him with the worst words she knew. _Julchen would be proud. She was always trying to get me to swear…_

More pain exploded in her head, and she found herself disoriented again. She tried fighting one last time, but she knew she was done. The countless battles and deaths left her drained of most of her strength, and her body was more sensitive to pain. Taking a deep breath, she forced her expression to be stone-faced. However, her eyes burned with hatred as the soldier did what he wanted. She made no sound; she did not want to give him the satisfaction. Throughout the ordeal, she repeated the mantra, _I am Germany, I will not fall… _over and over again. When it was all over, she lay on the ground, blinking lazily at the overcast sky above her.

Suddenly realizing the symbolism of the situation, she began to laugh, the sound ripping harshly from her throat. She laughed as she put her clothes back on, shaking her head. _He had no idea who I was. He had no idea… _She half-expected Anya Braginskaya to step out from behind the building and make some condescending comment about how now, all of her had become one with Russia. But no. There was no lavender-eyed woman anywhere.

As Monika stood up, her lower body throbbed, and she bit her lip to keep a gasp from escaping her throat. She suddenly felt very chilled, so she buttoned up her coat. Closing her eyes to compose herself, she slowly walked back to her house, if it could be called that.

When she finally made it inside, a searing pain in her heart forced her to sink to the floor. While it was not worse than the pain she felt when Berlin was bombed, or when countless people were killed in concentration camps, it still hurt her greatly. She found that she didn't want to be alone, which was ironic for her. She remembered how long it took her to finally get it into Italy's head that she didn't want to be bothered, that she wanted to be left alone.

"Feliciana," she murmured aloud. She had only begun to realize her feelings for her auburn-haired ally, something that confused her and scared her, especially since loving someone of the same gender was illegal in her own country. She hadn't seen Italy since she surrendered to the Allies in 1943. She and Romano had been to conferences, of course, but it wasn't the same. Tensions in the room were high, and she—as well as everyone else involved—wondered why the hell they still had the twice-yearly meetings when they were at war. She supposed it was because it was tradition, and probably the only thing that their bosses could not control.

Shaking her head, she took deep breaths until the pain dissipated. Suddenly feeling disgusting, she stripped off all her clothes and scrubbed herself in the kitchen, not caring if she scratched her skin. When she felt adequately clean, she hazily walked to her bedroom and threw on her nightclothes, not caring that it was only evening. She shakily climbed into her bed and curled up, wishing, for once, that Italy was beside her.

/

**October, 1945. **

For once, the conference room was silent. Monika sat in her chair, drumming her fingers on the table, waiting for the meeting to begin. When she glanced over at the 'Allied Powers' side of the table, she noticed that the Italies were staring at her. Feliciana gave her a curt nod and a smile, though it seemed wearier than the usual grin that used to be plastered on her face, while Chiara glared and threw some obscene Italian hand gesture her way.

Shaking her head, Monika turned away and instead turned her gaze towards her other former ally, Japan. She knew that the nation had been devastated by the bombs American pilots dropped onto two of its cities, but she wasn't expecting Sakura Honda herself to look so…dead. Bandages were wrapped around her head, covering her eyes, and her slightly shaking hands gripped the program in front of her. What struck Monika the most, however, was the pale pink blouse and white skirt the slender Nation was wearing. Throughout the entirety of the war, Japan dressed in black, her face a doll-like mask that made her look eerie and almost horrific. Now, her face seemed to have gotten softer, and her hair was less put-together. Instead of looking like the personification of a ruthless military power, she looked like a frail, sickly young woman.

Monika could see America looking at Japan, grief in her sky blue eyes. Usually, the boisterous Nation was the loudest at world meetings, always shouting about heroism or food or some other topic no one really cared about, but today, she was silent. She knew that even though most of America supported the bombings, Amelia Jones did not. She knew it killed her inside that one of her friends was suffering, even though said friend was supposed to be her enemy.

"We've waited long enough. Let us start this meeting." The harsh voice of Margaret Kirkland echoed throughout the meeting room.

"Oui, I agree." Normally, someone would make some witty comment about France agreeing with England for once, but this time, no one spoke.

"I second that." At Russia's voice, Monika's eyes narrowed slightly. Though she knew the entire incident with the Soviets was technically not the lavender-eyed woman's fault, she couldn't help but feel some bitterness towards her.

"All right, then. I will now begin roll call." England mechanically rattled off the names of the thirteen participants, saving the Baltic nations—who had most likely been dragged to the meeting by Russia, who wanted them to take notes—and herself for last. She nearly forgot Canada, but remembered when she realized she counted America twice.

"Now that that's out of the way, what do you all want to discuss? Since this is an informal meeting, we can chat about anything from the weather to sports. Just don't say anything stupid, okay, America? No one wants to hear you blather on about aliens or ghost stories."

America merely shrugged and went back to staring at the table, the distant look in her eyes making her seem almost corpse-like.

"Well, I have something." France stood up, hands on her hips. "I'm just wondering why we still have these uncouth meetings. Anyone with eyes can see that none of us want to be here, especially not since the damned _war _ended merely months ago. I swear, the only reason I am here is because, for some reason, my boss asked me to attend." She was about to say something else, but was overtaken by coughing.

"Francoise…" England murmured, her eyes losing some of their usual coldness.

"Shut up, I'm fine," France snapped, wiping her mouth. "No thanks to _her_." She glared at Monika, her eyes blazing with hatred.

Monika knew this was coming; she tried to prepare herself for this moment days before the conference. However, that didn't mean that the jabs didn't sting.

"Not only did you throw us into another war," France continued, her hands balled into fists at her side, "but because of you, Nations are injured. When America went with her soldiers to liberate some of your _camps_, she found Poland. _Felka Łukasiewicz_. According to her, your higher-ups didn't care that she was a Nation; instead of being sent to live at your place as a subordinate, she was condemned to a fate worse than death. Can you imagine being around your own people, seeing them get starved and frozen? Watching them die? Being forced into a gas chamber and temporarily 'killed'? Felka is one of us, and yet you put her through that. Not to mention the damage you caused me, England, and even Russia!" By the time she was done, she slumped over the table, coughing violently.

"Are you proud?" England's emerald eyes were narrowed into slits. "Look at what you've caused."

Monika said nothing. No, she _couldn't _say anything. She knew that whatever she said would be twisted around to the point where she would be considered even more evil than everyone thought she was. Forcing her face to stay expressionless, she sat silently, waiting for the two to stop yelling at her. Even America joined in at one point, though her comments were tired and almost too practiced. Romano, of course, added her two (vulgar) cents as well.

After awhile, the shouting got so heated that Italy suggested that they end the meeting. At this statement, France and England composed themselves and agreed. With one final jab, they grabbed their coats and left the meeting room, possibly to rant more amongst themselves before heading back to their hotel rooms. Only Russia, the three Baltics, and China remained by the time Monika stood up.

She noticed Russia approaching her with a nervous-looking Latvia clutching a folder to her chest, her shoulders slightly shaking. Narrowing her eyes, Monika pursed her lips, waiting for the cold Nation's jeers. Instead, however, she was met with an eerie smile.

"_Привет_, Germany."

"Hello, Russia. Latvia."

At her name being announced, Latvia flinched, looking down. Monika's gaze softened, not wanting to frighten the smaller Nation more than she already was.

Russia rested a hand on top of her subordinate's head, absentmindedly weaving it through the shorter girl's curly hair. "So, how is everything?"

"Fine." Monika was suspicious; Russia seemed friendly enough, but there was something about her words that bothered her.

"Did my soldiers treat you well?"

In that instant, Monika swore her heart stopped beating. She gripped the table, blood pounding in her ears. She knew there was no way that Russia could have known what had happened to her, but the jab hurt her more than she thought was possible. _What if she _did _know? What if that soldier was specifically sent by her? What if…_ Clenching her fists, she took a deep breath. _No. She was probably referring to how they looted stores and homes. Unless she was being sincere. You never know with Anya._

When she found her voice, she finally spoke. "They were a nuisance."

"Oh?" The grip on Latvia's hair tightened, and Monika could see the younger girl wince slightly. "I thought they were supposed to keep order, to keep the Nazis under control. Were they not doing a good job?"

Monika saw red. She thought of the treatment her citizens had received at the hands of the Red Army, and grew even more furious. Unable to remain silent any longer, she snapped, "If looting houses and destroying lives counts as a good job, then yes! They were _wonderful!_"

The two stared at each other, hatred in both pairs of eyes, until a yelp made both turn their attention towards Latvia. Russia narrowed her eyes and removed her hand from the shaking Nation's head, raising an eyebrow at the blood that coated her nails and fingertips.

"Oops." Russia chuckled, wiping the blood on the smaller blonde's face. "I must have gripped your head too hard. Your skin is too sensitive, little one; it breaks too easily."

Monika tilted her head, disgusted by the little interaction.

She guessed that Latvia could see the sympathy in her eyes; she looked up and quietly responded with, "It's okay, Miss Russia. I've had worse."

Monika's eyes widened, catching the hidden meaning behind the phrase…

_ "That's the last one, Germany, ma'am." The soldier practically threw the shivering blonde at Monika's feet. "This little shit was harder to catch than we thought; though we took over Latvia a week ago, she just wouldn't give up."_

_ Monika could see the look of pride on Latvia's face; for once, she was the last Baltic taken over._

_ "Because she was being extremely defiant before we got her, the Führer has a special request for you."_

_ "And that is?" A sinking feeling began to appear in Monika's stomach._

_ The solider smirked. "Show this…this _trash_…her proper place."_

No. _Though she knew that her soldiers had invaded and occupied the three Baltic nations, she did not want to hurt any of them, Latvia especially. The poor girl already had enough to deal with. _

_ "That's an order, _Miss Beilschmidt_. Just let the Führer's, and your countrymen's, thoughts take over; this shouldn't take long."_

_ Gulping, she knew she wasn't going to be able to get out of this one. She did not want to anger her boss, especially not in the state that he was in. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and let the anger her leader and his followers felt enter her mind. After the rage filled her, she lunged forward, her vision overtaken by white. _

_ When she awoke from the terrible state, she noticed that Latvia was curled up in the corner, silently sobbing. She resisted the urge to run to the girl and hold her close; she knew she would be punished if she did anything to help her new subordinate. _

_ "I think she understands what her position in this society is. I will leave you now; I have some important business to attend to." Turning on his heel, the soldier left Monika's home._

_ When she was sure that her 'visitor' was gone, Monika dropped her cold persona and knelt next to the small blonde, saddened by how much damage she caused. Taking a handkerchief from her jacket pocket, she proceeded to wipe the blood away from the girl's bleeding (and possibly broken) nose._

_ Sitting up, Latvia grimly smiled, wiping the tears from her swollen eyes. "It's okay, Miss Germany. I've had worse. Much worse…" Shuddering, she wiped the tears from her eyes, showing off the bruises on her thin arms. "The beating was quite tame, actually. I can tell you didn't want to hurt me." She chuckled darkly. "Did Estonia and Lithuania get this, too?"_

_ "No." Monika hated the look in Latvia's eyes. "It was just you."_

_ "I see. It's always me." The younger girl seemed to be in a daze. "I should probably start cleaning; I know you like schedules and routines…" Getting up, she mechanically straightened her bloodstained shirt. "Good thing this is red; the stains won't be as obvious."_

_ The rest of the day went by without a hitch. Monika found that all three Baltics completed their tasks skillfully and without complaint. She didn't like the feeling of having subordinates, but she did enjoy the company. Sighing, she threw on her pajamas and flopped onto her bed, exhausted. Allowing Hitler's darkness to overtake her took a lot out of her, especially since she had to continue to suppress it constantly. Shuddering at the thought of her leader's face, she went to sleep._

_ Monika awoke to the sound of her door creaking open. Confused, she turned on her lamp, annoyed that someone woke her up._ I swear, if it's Austria again..._ Her irritation turned to concern when she saw Latvia stumble into the room._

_ "Latvia? Did you want Estonia or Lithuania, but got the rooms confused?" _

_ Shaking her head silently, she timidly stepped forward. Suddenly, her hand grasped the fabric over her heart and she sank to the ground, her mouth open in an expression of pain. When sharp whimpers tore from the girl's throat, Monika slid off her bed and cautiously approached her. "What's wrong?"_

_ "People…dying…I can feel it. Hurts…hurts badly!" She gasped, wrapping her arms around her and curling into the fetal position. "Make it stop," she murmured, though Monika wasn't sure if it was meant for her. "Please! It hurts! Esti! Tori!" _

_ As the girl's trembling increased, Monika knew what she had to do. She picked up her tiny subordinate, disgusted by how thin she was, and gently set her down on the bed, wrapping the blankets around both of them. As soon as she turned off the lamp, she felt Latvia's bony frame embrace her, her head buried in the crook of her neck. _

_ "I know I should hate you," she sobbed, her tears and breath hot on Monika's neck, "but I can't. Your citizens are killing mine, but I can't hate you! I, I…" She was overtaken by another fit of gasping._

_ Sensing that more of the small blonde's people were dying, Monika rubbed circles onto her back and whispered kind words until the tears stopped._

_ "Milda," Latvia whispered suddenly, her voice tired. "My name is Milda Galante. I just thought you deserved to know."_

_ Monika was surprised; for a Nation to tell another their human name, they typically had to be close friends. "After I beat you, and my soldiers occupied your homeland, you still gave me your name?"_

_ "You're a good person, Miss Germany; I know you are. You are not evil. Trust me, I've had much worse than your treatment…"_

Snapping herself back to reality, Monika saw Russia whirl Latvia around and push her back towards the other Baltics. "You will see me in my study after we get back home, yes?"

Whimpering, Latvia nodded. "Yes, Miss Russia…"

"Oh, and Germany, it was nice talking to you again!" With one last smile, Russia ushered her subordinates out of the room before leaving herself.

Suddenly, something hit Monika on the head. Looking down, she noticed a paper ball on the table in front of her. Puzzled, she picked it up. Seeing a hint of writing on it, she uncrumpled it, not looking forward to the insult she assumed was meant for her. Instead, a name and a date stared back up at her: **Nanking, 1937. **

Looking around, she realized that one person besides herself was still in the meeting room, China nodded at her once before closing the door and taking the seat next to her.

"I heard that Soviet soldiers occupied Berlin after the war. It must have been tough."

Monika sat down, unable to contain her emotions anymore. She blinked back her tears, desperately clinging onto her reserved persona.

"It's okay to cry, Monika. With what you went through, it would be unhealthy not to."

"How… How did you know?" Still trying to keep her tears at bay, Monika instead focused on the flowers in the slender Nation's hair.

"Your eyes," China answered simply. She gestured at the paper in the blonde's hands. "Mine looked the same, for awhile."

Suddenly understanding, Monika put the paper down. "The occupation of Nanking," she murmured.

China nodded, her eyes narrowing. Slowly, she undid the ties on her blouse and shrugged it off of her thin figure. Monika's eyes widened, noticing the scars that covered the Asian Nation's back, shoulders, and chest.

"Japanese soldiers." China's voice was bitter and tired. "I felt what my people felt, both as a Nation, and as a woman."

"A Soviet soldier," Monika responded, her voice equally as bitter.

China dexterously buttoned up her blouse before embracing the reserved Nation.

"China?" Monika whispered, surprised.

"Call me Chun-Yan." The ponytailed Nation leaned forward, softly kissing Monika's forehead.

"Thank you, Chun-Yan." Before she knew it, tears slid down her cheeks, tears of anger, sadness, relief, and peace, all at the same time. She found it extremely ironic that one of her supposed 'enemies' understood her better than any of her allies could. Without thinking, she wrapped her arms around Chun-Yan and returned the embrace.

Monika stiffened when she felt the smaller woman's body tremble slightly. When she looked up, she saw that Chun-Yan was crying as well, though a smile graced her pale face.

END.

* * *

**Ugh, this took forever to write. I think this was the hardest fanfiction I've ever written! **

**Hopefully, none of the characters are OOC (especially Germany and China; I am not used to writing them). **

**The title of this story comes from the fact that 'good' and 'evil' are not black and white concepts, and that shades of grey exist.**

**I wanted to write this story to show that just because the Nazis committed atrocities, that didn't mean that all the Germans were evil. I have been seeing a lot of fanfics where, during WWII, Germany became a ruthless Nazi who hurt almost everyone around him, be it Poland, England, France, or even Italy. Yes, Germany (the country), did invade and terrorize the people of these countries, but I feel like it's disrespectful to the German people to portray Germany himself as being a Nazi. (It clearly states in the manga that he did not want to annex Austria, and that he and his boss [Hitler] did not get along at all. Plus, Germany's character doesn't even sound like a Nazi to me; he's just a hardworking, serious man who also has a soft spot for his friends.) I wanted to portray Germany differently in this, making him (well, 'her', in this case) a sympathetic character who was also a victim of the Nazis, in some ways.**

**I also hope I did not butcher England and France. I know they are very harsh in this story, but considering how much they both suffered during the war, I think their anger is rational. (Though they're taking it out on the wrong person.) Same thing with Japan and America.**

**I know the friendship between China and Germany is random and sort of weird, but I added it for a reason. Both the Soviet occupation of Berlin in 1945 and the Japanese occupation of Nanking were brutal and atrocious, as well as pretty unknown to Americans. I felt like China and Germany could potentially become friends due to the parallels between these atrocities. **

**Speaking of which, I know this story deals with some mature topics, but I hope they were portrayed tastefully. (I really wanted to make a certain scene very vague, but still understandable.) **

**The part with Latvia was added to show that the Nations are human too, and that they are separate from their governments. (Which is why Latvia hates Germany's government, but not Germany herself.) ...****Plus, I just really wanted to write Latvia in this story somewhere, since he's (she's, in this) my favorite character, OTL…**

**Just to clarify, Latvia was taken over by the Nazis on July 10, 1941. Lithuania and Estonia were both taken over on June 22, 1941. **

**In my head-canon, Nations only give other Nations their human names if they are close friends, lovers, etc. Though, this is a formality; everyone knows each other's names. I just think that they call each other by their country's name unless they are very close.**

**Also in my head-canon, I think that Nations are able to feel the deaths/pain of their citizens during war, especially if innocent civilians are being killed. **

**In this story, Germany is referred to by her human name to emphasize the fact that she is not only a Nation, but a person.**

**Another head-canon of mine is that when Nations' governments become totalitarian or extremely militaristic (ex: Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia, Imperial Japan), the personifications have to constantly supress the darkness their governments place in them. -Shrugs- I just thought it was an interesting concept...**

**I hope this wasn't too awful…**


End file.
